I recently spoke at an event on “How to Thrive through Uncertainty and Change” with a couple of my esteemed Hudson coach collogues. It got me thinking about my own journey to resilience. I have experienced a lot of adversity in my life. After many years of struggles, I thankfully realized at the young age of 24 I had a problem with alcohol and found recovery. Shortly after, at age 25, I had to make the tough decision to have a child on my own. This was a difficult choice back in 1995 in Houston, TX, and came with a lot of judgement. I then left my family and moved across the country by myself with a 2-year-old, for a job opportunity and to give my son a better life.

For 20 years I kept a lot of this story a secret while carrying so much shame. I thought, “what will people think of me?” or “shouldn’t I just fit in”? Now happily married, two kids later, and age 51, I wear my 26 years of sobriety like a badge of honor. My now almost 26-year-old son is a Software Engineer at Apple. I never dreamed 20 years ago I would be sharing this story now and so publicly. I have never felt more pride in my story. It only took me 20 years to change the narrative.

Though I have experienced many challenges in my life, I have also experienced tremendous joy. I feel it has made me stronger, wiser, and more curious about the world. I have grown and I have loved deeply. I have had lots of setbacks, but I learned from them and then moved forward as a result. I recently learned through Dr. Brené Brown’s “Wholehearted Inventory” that my “Resilient Spirit” is a strength for me, so I thought I would share my top five Resilience Toolkit practices.

My Top Five Resilience Toolkit Practices:

1.    Define your Values

Our values serve as an anchor. When our actions are not aligned with our values, it doesn’t feel good. You might say, “this doesn’t feel right”, which is an indicator that your actions don’t reflect a core value. This is something for you to really pay attention to. Your values can be a source of strength when you are aware of them especially during times of change. This is extremely important right now during the Pandemic when we have so much change hitting us at once. Right now, we need to hang on to who we are and let this guide us in our decision making. I work with my clients on a values exercise that helps them to identify their core values.

Over the years, I have led many entrepreneurial organizations to help identify their organizational values, which should drive everything they do in their business (customer service, HR, sales, etc). I have seen the ones who did not fare well when their values were not at the forefront. Much like in business, your personal core values should drive everything you do.

2.    Be Vulnerable

Something magical happens when we are willing to be vulnerable. It allows everyone around us to open up. It tears down the walls and lets us see our blind spots and patterns that maybe we didn’t see before. I shared a little bit of my own vulnerability with you. Maybe this will help you share some of yours. When we share, we heal, and we start to move forward. Be willing to put yourself out there.

3.    Develop a Mindfulness Practice

I first learned about Mindfulness in a group DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) for my teenage daughter when we attended a group DBT class to help her treat her anxiety disorder. I had no idea how useful it would be for me! What a gift mindfulness is and it doesn’t take a lot of time. Not everyone feels they can meditate, but everyone can practice mindfulness. I practice mindfulness when I am out on my runs or out for a walk.

I integrate it in the middle of my workday. It is something I help my clients develop in their Resilience Toolkits as well. Sometimes, simply taking a few minutes for deep breathing, paced breathing, taking the time to focus on the beauty in the world (trees, leaves, earth) is enough to take away some of the anxiety and get you grounded and present.

4.    Have Goals

The picture above with my oldest son and I depicts over ten years of running races. Something I started in my 40s. If I can do it, you can do it. I am not an athlete and yet I have run many marathons and half marathons. I even participated in a crazy Ragnar mountain race a couple of years ago. Put something out there that is a stretch goal and just do it. I like to learn, I sign up for classes, for group coaching, or something creative. It’s important to have something to look forward to, to feel accomplished and it feels amazing when we see that we can really do it.

5.    Cultivate Community

This is something I have always done. I have the most amazing group of recovery friends. Early on in my career, I established a network of HR professionals to help guide me and with whom I could share ideas. Now, I am surrounded by coaches who helped me grow as a coach and person for the last two years. Surround yourself with people who have what you want. They will lift you when you are down. Also, reach out to them when you need help or when you are in FEAR. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This can be a source of strength when you have a setback. People are willing to help you. I would not be here without my community. I would be lost without it. Human beings are not meant to be alone – we need each other.

Resilience is the ability to recover from difficult experiences and setbacks, to adapt, and move forward and sometimes even experience growth. What is great is it can be learned, developed, and honed. If this is not a strength for you, you can learn it and develop it like a muscle. It is like going to the gym. It is hard in the beginning, and we do not like it, but over time it gets easier as we start to build a practice and get more intentional. We are going to have setbacks. The important thing is to not feel shame about them. We are all human. We are in this together.

Melanie is the Founder & CEO of Radical Ignition, Inc. For over two decades, Melanie has spent her career creating pathways for people to be their best and is an experienced leadership coach, people consultant and facilitator. When working with organizations, Melanie draws from her strong business background and over 20 years in senior leadership inside organizations working with executives and leaders at all levels, as well as her experience consulting across hundreds of organizations in her consulting career. You can learn more about Radical Ignition at www.radicalignition.com and reach out at info@radicalignition.com.